What will my husband think?

This past weekend I attended a meditation retreat. As I drove to the yoga studio, I felt the nervous energy that one usually feels when they are doing something new and different.  Scared isn't the word, just anxious. Anxious because my analytical mind kept scanning my brain for similar experiences and it kept coming up short.  

Fast forward seven hours and I was about as zen as I've ever been.  My therapist (who's husband was leading the retreat) recommended that I attend as a trial run to see how I liked the experience since she had already suggested that I attend her husband's weekend long retreat next month in Jamaica. 

Cue the emoji with eyes popping out of it's head.  There are enough words in that last sentence to send my safety and security blanket packing. 

Weekend long.
          Meditation retreat.
                      In Jamaica. 

I decided that I wanted to go.  I also felt like I was going to throw up, but I really wanted to say yes. 

Aside from spending the money and traveling to another country by myself, do you know what was the next thought I had? 

"What will Raymond think?"

And my mind went wild. He will think I've lost my marbles. He will throw a fit. He will become defensive. He will say something that will hurt my feelings and I will be sorry that I even thought about going. 

This went on the entire way home from the retreat.

I planned out what I would say,
         and then what he would say,
                and then me again.

Over and over I rehearsed the conversation which really made my anxiety go through the roof.  Not exactly the experience that you want to have right after a meditation retreat. 

So you want to know what happened when I told him I wanted to fly to Jamaica next month, by myself, to experience a four day long meditation retreat with people he didn't know (heck I don't even know them!)?

He said, "I think that is amazing babe! You should totally do it."

And then I felt like I wanted to throw up again because now I had zero excuses for NOT going. I realized I was using Raymond as my sounding board to affirm my doubt and fear and thus give me permission to stay still.  
 How many times have you wanted to do something, something big and different and possibly expensive, but you were afraid to tell your partner? 
Instead of approaching the conversation from the angle of sharing information, we approach it from the angle of asking permission secretly hoping they won't grant it and we won't have to do the thing that we are nervous about.  

We can be deeply certain and slightly doubtful.  We can be scared, and really, really ready.  

There is always an easy reason to wait. 

It never feels more anxious than when we are perched on the edge of yes or no, at the sign of stop or go. 
 Sometimes the only way forward is with a leap of faith.  
Today, I challenge you to strengthen your intuition by letting go of the logic.  Listen to your gut because it always knows best. 

Your partner will support you, or they won't, but either way this is about you.  This is about you strengthening that muscle to go for what is right for you.  Yes it is scary and it makes you nauseous  but you know deep down it is the next right move for you. 

I'm here cheering you on!  Just right after I buy that plane ticket to Jamaica. 

Jennifer Burnham